I was watching my second favorite elf, Dr. Oz, last week. The topic was metabolism boosters after the age of 40.
Dr. Oz opened the show with this tidbit of inspiration “Turning 40 is a grim milestone. Your body’s first step towards death.”
Now I’m 18 years old with almost 22 years of experience (think about it) so this was not what I wanted to hear on a happy, childless afternoon.
I depend on Dr. Oz for advice like “Your poop should be curved.” and “Don’t microwave your Tupperware.”
I don’t need him to tell me I’m on the slippery slope to Grim Reaperville. Plenty of people are reminding me every day.
Recently I was at the optometrist’s office whining about how I badly I want Lasik surgery.
Dr. Meany said, “You know you’ll be 40 soon and you’re going to need bifocals. Even if you get Lasik you’ll still need reading glasses. You should have had Lasik when you were young.”
I had a hair appointment on Friday. I asked my gal, Ms. Perky, to color my hair chocolate brown.
She scrunched up her nose and shook her head slowly.
“I don’t think so, honey. When you’re older you NEVER want to go darker.”
Then she gave me the phone number of a combination weight loss/Botox clinic.
“Or maybe we could go with some bangs…”
I saw my dermatologist recently for the always humiliating Annual Mole Check.
I am the shade of a vampire – sans sparkles. Also, I have a history of sunbathing with baby oil and aluminum foil. A yearly consult is a MUST.
Dr. Smoothface asked me if I’m using my Retin-A. I assured her that it is my number one addiction of choice followed closely by sarcasm and Diet Dr. Pepper.
“Well it’s not working. You need something stronger.”
The only person who is being nice about my impending Birthday Of Doom is The Toaster Oven.
“You don’t look *that bad* for your age. It would be worse if you hadn’t stopped smoking years ago. At least you have all your teeth.”
Thank you, Toaster Oven.
You can foot the bill for my Botox and therapy appointments.
PS My favorite Elf is Buddy.
PPS I have no idea what the metabolism boosters are because I got so depressed I couldn’t watch anymore. I ate 2 packages of Zebra cakes and watched Jersey Shore.
How do you feel about getting older? What are you doing to fight it?
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Dr. Oz is the evil, I’ve decided. And you, my love, are fabulous.
Boo to aging. I’ve sort of pretended like it’s not happening…and then I get ma’am by an 18 year Starbucks kid. Little jerk.
Ugh.
I’m slightly younger than you…but only slightly. (32)
Already I’m coloring my hair more, my skin is freaking out, and I’m trying to talk *my* TO into facial peels and rejuvenation treatments.
Since we have noooo money for these things, I just try to eat well and excercise. Getting old is a bitch, yo!
Yes I’m glad you have your teeth, so when I’m out with Cole he won’t point at you and say Mom what happen to her teeth they look like tooth picks and have huge gaps …. OH YES I sure there would be more if I didn’t shove my hand on his mouth and drag him into the car … hehe welcome to my weekend.
Tell her you could go see Mr. Freeze from Batman but your not so sure if he available to replace the Retin-A.
I’m fist pumping my way out of the lobby
If you can make fun, then that means it’s not so bad.
Off to check out the vlog, and I’ll let you know.
and p.s. 40 is so dang young.
Good grief my google has apparently been quite hungry cause I have missed every dang thing you have posted.. so I subscribed now I get it in an email unless google eats that too.. OH btw I am older then you I will be GASP 41 this year.. Idreaded 40 like a camel jockey dreads camel crabs and having short arms unable to scratch the itch.. but it really hasn’t been that bad.. for the most part and tell your hairdresser I am dark and I like chocolate brown..
I will be hitting 35 in a little over a month and I was having a hard time with the fact that I will be in a different demographic! And then I went to edit my damn picture yesterday and realized I have crows feet, dark circles, and very splotchy skin…I am doomed! I used to like Dr. Oz but ever since he got his own show he scares the bejeesus out of me.
You know I love me some Dr. Oz – but that statement is incredibly depressing – especially for someone who has already past the 40 milestone….I’m doing all I can to fight aging – short of surgery or botox or fillers. Did you opt for Bangs??? They can cover a multitude of sins – and are known as the new black. My forehead being small though they look ridiculous on me so I just brush part of my hair to cover up the horizontal line on my forehead in part. I do have to agree on going lighter in hair color as we age, although I have yet to color mine. I’m at about 7 gray hairs and counting. Don’t let all this depressing stuff spoil your day. Have a mini waffle.
Wait! You have all your teeth. Well there goes you chance for a career as a Waffle House waitress.
I don’t as yet mind the getting older, I just forget about it for the most part. I think to a large degree age really is just a number, attitude to life, how you do or do not look after yourself, they all matter more. You can be 40 and look and act 50 and vice versa. I think age really becomes an issue when you hit your 60′s and then definitely, if you manage to make it into your 70′s, that’s when nature forces you to totally change pace. Until then, I shall continue to forget about it