I was watching my second favorite elf, Dr. Oz, last week. The topic was metabolism boosters after the age of 40.
Dr. Oz opened the show with this tidbit of inspiration “Turning 40 is a grim milestone. Your body’s first step towards death.”
Now I’m 18 years old with almost 22 years of experience (think about it) so this was not what I wanted to hear on a happy, childless afternoon.
I depend on Dr. Oz for advice like “Your poop should be curved.” and “Don’t microwave your Tupperware.”
I don’t need him to tell me I’m on the slippery slope to Grim Reaperville. Plenty of people are reminding me every day.
Recently I was at the optometrist’s office whining about how I badly I want Lasik surgery.
Dr. Meany said, “You know you’ll be 40 soon and you’re going to need bifocals. Even if you get Lasik you’ll still need reading glasses. You should have had Lasik when you were young.”
I had a hair appointment on Friday. I asked my gal, Ms. Perky, to color my hair chocolate brown.
She scrunched up her nose and shook her head slowly.
“I don’t think so, honey. When you’re older you NEVER want to go darker.”
Then she gave me the phone number of a combination weight loss/Botox clinic.
“Or maybe we could go with some bangs…”
I saw my dermatologist recently for the always humiliating Annual Mole Check.
I am the shade of a vampire – sans sparkles. Also, I have a history of sunbathing with baby oil and aluminum foil. A yearly consult is a MUST.
Dr. Smoothface asked me if I’m using my Retin-A. I assured her that it is my number one addiction of choice followed closely by sarcasm and Diet Dr. Pepper.
“Well it’s not working. You need something stronger.”
The only person who is being nice about my impending Birthday Of Doom is The Toaster Oven.
“You don’t look *that bad* for your age. It would be worse if you hadn’t stopped smoking years ago. At least you have all your teeth.”
Thank you, Toaster Oven.
You can foot the bill for my Botox and therapy appointments.
PS My favorite Elf is Buddy.
PPS I have no idea what the metabolism boosters are because I got so depressed I couldn’t watch anymore. I ate 2 packages of Zebra cakes and watched Jersey Shore.
How do you feel about getting older? What are you doing to fight it?
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Love your Dr. Smoothface retort. At least you have your own teeth. If you didn’t, they might come back and bite you in the ass one day because of the bad eyes and short term memory loss.
My birthday is October 24. I’ll be 54. I’ve already started the tumble down the hill because I keep tripping over my breasts.
So I am at my daughter’s basketball practice last night and I am talking to another mom about exercise. She asks me my age (37) and then she tells me that if I don’t start exercising now I am going to get a “fat ass” like hers, the minute I turn 40.
I told her to shut up, but it was funnily said.
I hate/loathe/deteste exercising.
Yes, I bought the 30 shred and then I forgot about it until I dusted it last week. Oops.
So first off eating zebra cakes and watching Jersey Shore is my new favorite late night adventure. Second, I had no idea that my poop should be curved. You mean that having 24 hour 7 day a week diarrhea is not normal?! Lastly I think that I am going to die soon because I ALWAYS microwave my tupperware.
Eff them all! You are beautiful!
That is all!
At the risk of pissing you off and having you never talk to me again, I am terrified to turn 30 next year. I am putting on a positive face because Leland is even more upset about turning 30 than I am. I am pretending that it doesn’t matter and it’s not a big deal to try and thwart Leland’s impending depression on his birthday. It’s not working so well though.
I told Leland that when I turn 30 I want him to buy me botox treatments.
This post is so funny…giggle, giggle. 1) Didn’t know about the poop thing. Will have to get back to you on that one. 2) I thought about buying some moisturizer the other day — does that count as fighting it?